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Ten Secrets to Stay in Love Forever by Yvonne Sinclair M.A.
Ten Secrets to Stay in Love Forever
Sometimes relationships need a little tune-up. We may get involved in life in general, daily living and keeping up with family. One day we are aware our relationship is not spicy anymore. We can look elsewhere for “spice,” but that usually means the end of our current relationship. If we put a little time, attention, and energy into the partnership we are in now, we can make it even better than spicy. We can have Hot Monogamy with great effective communication and emotional intimacy. Give it a try. Here are ten hints on how to begin your relationship enhancement evolution.
1.                Slow down and Listen:
Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. Changing a behavior is not easy. We have communicated in a certain way since birth. Changing that method of behavior may take concentration and time. The change could mean we become more effective in letting others know our needs and feelings.Changing that method will mean you need to slow down and concentrate.
If we learn to communicate in an effective way any issue can be resolved. If the communication is effective the chance of working through issues and making the relationship work is much higher. Sometimes couples come to see me and they have been having routine disagreements and arguments. Once they slow down and listen they begin to realize they are on the same page. They learn the concept of “different” not right and wrong.
This formula for communication will help you with that new behavior. Try the communication format found here; http://www.program4angermanagement.com/communication
2.                BE together.
Enjoying a season’s plethora of sensory opportunities together can be a wonderful relationship enhancement. Slowing down your world to “smell the roses” together will allow for intimacy. Having a glass of something tasty on the patio and just “be” together watching and listening. Spending time and effort communicating what brings you pleasure. In California a drive in the foothills would offer the new spring green bursting from every tree, Poppies glowing along the road, and bright skies. Wherever you live, a day drive in spring can awaken your senses. Taking the drive with your mate and using it to increase your awareness of each other, learn what brings each of you joy, and increase your communication skills will also deepen your emotional intimacy. It need not be an expensive, planned, or complicated journey. Learning to “be” together without an agenda allows emotional intimacy to grow.
In this exercise, partners will lay together in the spoon position. The female in front. In Tantra, the woman is the “Shakti,” and the male is the “Shiva.” The Shiva is in charge of creating a safe space for his Shakti and the Shakti is in charge of the pace.
The Shakti will begin to breathe loud enough for her Shiva to hear. Shiva will then coordinate his breathing with hers. Spend about 15-20 minutes with this exercise.
This can be done just before you go to sleep, or it can be used to connect and be on the same wavelength before a sexual time.
Again, this is not a timed event. Keep it about breathing, not touching. Take as much time as you like.  This exercise increases emotional intimacy, and it is not meant to be physical intimacy or sexual. It also nurtures trust in your relationship. This exercise helps both partners to “trust” the other cares enough to just BE together. The partner cares about you enough to notice your breathing or breathe with you. Just BE together. Close out the world for a few moments and sink into each other.
3.                 Express your anger Assertively:
Anger is a bad feeling emotion. The fact is anger is just an emotion. Anger is not bad or good. Anger just is. Emotions are always there. Emotions are like weather. They are always present. Sometimes emotions are calm, and we don't notice they are a part of us. Other times emotions are like a hurricane and areimpossible to ignore. Emotions are also our barometer to what is going on around us.

Happy…: Something you like is going on.
Mad…: Hey, something is going on you do NOT like.
So if we listen to our emotions, we can discover what is going on in our world and what affect the event is having on us.
We can use our anger energy for a positive response. We can notice our anger early and express in a healthy manner. This anger "management" allows our body to be clear, and then anger does not negatively affect our health.
4.               You get what you notice. 
This goes for positive and negative. If you continually notice the “bad” or negative, you will get more of that. If you notice everything you do not like about your partner, you will get more of that.
So turn your statements into the positive. For instance, instead of saying “you never pay any attention to me” try “I really like when you pay attention to me” or “I would really like more attention.” And after a statement like that be prepared to give some concrete specific examples for your partner.
Most of us are not mind readers, so we need to communicate our wishes and needs in an assertive covert way. In other words we need to tell our partner what we want.
Okay, I hear some of you saying I have again and again and again. I would then suggest the communication format and give it another try. Reword you statements, or make them different or more positive than the negative.
We have a tendency to make negative statements about what we do not want instead of making positive statements about what we do want. Give the change a try; it might even work for you.
 Try noticing, validating, and acknowledging the things you want more of. Like, “I really like it when you kiss me goodbye.” Keep the “hooks” out of the comments.
“I really like it when you (finally remember to) kiss me goodbye.” "Finally" is a hook; it makes the nice positive statement hurtful and negative.
Try noticing what you want, see if it works. Keep the “hooks” out of your compliments too. Just give a wonderful positive compliment and let it be. Let it just hang there and settle in. Here I would also mention, if you are given a compliment, accept it. Instead of saying “Oh no I am not looking good”, or being nice or whatever the compliment is about. Try letting it into your heart with a “thank you” alone.
5.                 Take care of you too. 
You can't touch it, but it affects how you feel. You can't see it, but it's there when you look at yourself in the mirror. You can't hear it, but it's there every time you talk about yourself. What is this important but mysterious thing? It's your self-esteem!

Self-esteem isn't bragging about how great you are. It's more like quietly knowing that you're worth a lot (priceless, in fact!). It's not about thinking you're perfect — because nobody is — but knowing that you're worthy of being loved and accepted.

Of course it's OK to have ups and downs in your feelings, but having low self-esteem isn't OK. Feeling like you're not important can make you sad and can keep you from trying new things.

When you hear negative comments in your head, tell yourself to stop. When you do this, you take the power away from the voice inside that discourages you.

By focusing on the good things you do and all your great qualities, you learn to love and accept yourself — the main ingredients for strong self-esteem! Even if you've got room for improvement (and who doesn't?), realizing that you're valuable and important helps your self-esteem to shine.

When you love and honor yourself, you have the tools to love and honor another person. There is a theory that we pick a partner with the same emotional health we possess. If you want a wonderful loving partner, a good place to start is with learning to love yourself.
6.                Remember YOU are the only thing you really control
 Okay, you don’t have to believe this to begin with. Hear me out. Think about it.
If you ask your child to do something and they refuse, even if you yell and scream and threaten them within an inch of their life, and then they do what you want them to do, they are still deciding to do what you are requesting. They could keep refusing forever....like two year olds and sometimes teenagers do. Adults are the same. We cannot make someone angry. Someone cannot make us angry, not even the love of our life.
 Don’t give anyone else that power. Only you can decide if you are going to be angry. You only have control over yourself and your own behaviors and your own choices. Take a deep breath…..try it on. It will actually lower your stress level to realize you cannot control the world…..
Reviewing what we truly have control over is one tool to help us feel more in control of our lives. Ultimately, the only thing we have true control of is our self. It is not really possible to control others. We may know the other person’s triggers and buttons, but they are the ones to decide how he/she feels and acts.
Controlling what happens in “our world” is healthy control. Such as “in my world no one is abused.” Others can then decide if they want to be in your world or not.
7.                Surprise each other.
Sometimes daily routine becomes, well, routine. Family and jobs can take up all the time, energy, and attention. Couple time is a must to keep your relationship alive and connected.
 Try a little surprise now and then. A little love note in a pocket. Surprise date where one of you organizes the date, (even child sitting if needed), tells the other how to dress, and drives to the “date.” It can be a little change of scene or something bigger. You can spend time planning a big vacation and enjoy the expectations together.
Be polite and kind.

This is almost too basic right? Well sometimes when we are with people every day we forget to treat them with respect and kindness.
Just because they are our partner or our family does not mean they do not deserve care and kindness. Kids respond to being “asked” to do something politely instead of demanded. And I have a secret for you-adults respond that way too. So, if you want your partner to do something, try asking politely.
If we are stressed with life, sometimes we take it out on our family. If you find that is your pattern, find a way to reduce your stress so that you can be kind to the people who care most important to you and care about you more than anyone else. Stress release can be as simple as journaling, by hand or on your computer. Just expressing yourself and venting.
It can be doing something physical, walking, swimming, shooting some hoops, stretching, yoga, working out. It can be getting a massage or talking to a therapist or talking to a friend.
Taking mini-vacations, like an hour for yourself, or an evening with your partner, or five minutes without interruptions.....acknowledge for yourself “this is my mini-vacation.
8.                 Be aware you both can be right. 
If one of you has to be “right” and one “wrong” you are setting yourself up for failure. Think about agreeing to disagree. Think about allowing the other person a difference. Think about slowing down and really listening to your partner’s words and feelings. Use the communication format to start a good pattern of sorting out feelings.
Believing someone must be right, and the other person must be wrong is a huge fallacy. Two people can disagree and both are RIGHT. Oh, yes!! You read that correctly. Two people can attend the same event, spend a day in the same place, but still have totally different experiences. The experience for each person is truth for that person or his/her reality. As a result, they can both be “right.” If you believe someone must be wrong, then you have adopted a “distorted” thinking pattern.
It takes a person comfortable with themselves and secure to be okay with making mistakes and admitting a mistake. That seems so backwards. When we are human we make mistakes. Now I know I am a “Goddess.” but I am a “human” Goddess, so making mistakes is okay.
Actually, isn’t is just so annoying with you are with someone who thinks they are perfect and thinks they don’t ever do anything wrong. And, wouldn’t it just be awful to try to live with someone who really truly is perfect and never makes mistakes. Yikes! I want someone who is “real.” flaws and mistakes and human frailties and all, must easier to be the real me.
When you try to resolve issues in your relationships, if one has to be right and one wrong, you are starting down the absolute wrong road.
9.                Touch more, touch more, touch more.
 Touch can be cuddling, giving each other massage, just a caress as you pass by. It can be making love. Let’stalk about sex.
Sex is a complicated subject. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Sex is a way to be intimate and share ourselves with our partner, a way to say ”we are one” or “I love being with you.” But, sex can get really complicated. Partners are sometimes not on the same energy level, or libido level.
Communicate about your needs and wishes. Explore ways to get both partners what they need. Remember no means NO even when not spoken out loud with words. Notice body language.  And, it may not be about “us.” Each partner has the right to assert themselves when they want to be sexual and when they do not. Each partner has the right to say “not a good time for me” and be heard. Engaging in sex when you do not want sex is not healthy and not nurturing for your relationship. Sometimes partners just want holding and closeness and not sex.
10.           Take time to be together, talk, listen, care, touch.
Here is a little activity that will build emotional intimacy. It has all the ingredients for love. You do this together and care about what the other is saying. You will talk and listen. And you will touch. Have fun.
In this exercise you will sit as you were for the communication exercise. Yabyum is good here, too. Create a quiet space, perhaps your sacred safe space if you have time. Sit face to face. In this space, put your right hands on each other’s heart. Look deep into each other’s eyes. Spend a few minutes just being together. Coordinating your breathing will increase the intimacy of this exercise.
Now spend about five minutes each saying the following;
-What I love about you ___________
-What I appreciate about you  ___________
-What I admire about you  _____________
-or any other comment you would like to add.
The partner doing the listening-just listens. The listening partner checks in with themselves-notice what you are feeling? Are you able to let these messages into your heart?
When partner one is finished, partner two responds with “thank you” or something else appropriate. Again, no fixing, no response to statements-only acknowledgement you “heard” your partner.
Partner two now has a turn.
-What I love about you ___________
-What I appreciate about you  ___________
-What I admire about you  _____________
-or any other comment you would like to add.
Partner one responds with “I hear you” statement.
Take your time. Add whatever you would like. This is your appreciation admiration time. End with a hug…..and take your time.
This exercise should be done each day. Maybe before bedtime or to get you started in the morning. What a wonderful way to start the day by being appreciated and admired.
Stay connected, stay in love, and make it happen.

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