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Domestic Violence for Court Class – 47
Offender Behavior Defined.
Authored by, Yvonne Sinclair M.A., LMFT
To change your behaviors and assure that you will not be in trouble for them again, we need to define what is offender behavior really. Let’s review the different kinds of communication as that is the same as our behavior.
Behaviors can be aggressive, passive, assertive or passive aggressive.
Aggressive styles of behavior can feel violent. Yelling and swearing and calling names is a form of violence. Pointing fingers, throwing things, threatening are all forms of aggressive “making you do it my way” behaviors.
Passive Behavior example: When you behave in a passive manner there may not be a statement. Or you may hint at what you need. You sit quietly wishing someone would pass the salt.
Assertive Behavior example: When you behave assertively you increase the chance of getting your needs met without hurting anyone else or using force.
An example of Passive Aggressive style; your boss asks you to file some things and filing is not your job. You are irritated and file them all wrong…. Passive is unhealthy behavior in that it is VICTIM thinking and not being proactive about our own need.
Offender behavior will be either Aggressive or Passive Aggressive. Offenders do not respect others wishes, boundaries, or rights.
If you save your offender behavior for your significant other and family, you can ask yourself “would I treat my boss, or friend this way?” Let’s review the list of behaviors that might mean you are an offender.
*You blame others for your actions. “She made me mad.” Etc. You don’t hold yourself accountable for your own choices and actions. Whatever has happened in your life that is negative, it is not your “fault” would be your stance. You may feel people are out to get you, or your boss just wants to mess you up so he/she can fire you, or the restaurant just treated you poorly (not because you were rude but because they have it “in” for you. Even you happy feeling are “blamed” on someone else. You give others the power to “make” your feelings happen.
*You have a tendency to be jealous. You take it to the extreme and state it is valid because it means you love the person that much more. Jealousy is not proof you love them. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.
*You are possessive of your partner. You tend to isolate them, asking them to give up friends and stay away from family. You may intimidate and belittle them to do so. You are threatened by your partner being friends with anyone. You are afraid the partner will share with family and/or friends you behavior.
*You have unrealistic expectations of your partner. They need to do and be perfect in your eyes. You feel entitled to special treatment. You feel you are the boss and therefore always right. You feel you should be the one to make the decisions for your relationship, home, finances, and time.
*Along with the unrealistic expectations and feelings of entitlement come the control issues. You make it uncomfortable or even dangerous not to follow your wishes completely. You do not respect others rights and wishes.
*You are verbally abusive even if not physically abusive. You call names, belittle, and harass. This also includes any children in the household. Sometimes you pretend it is “fun” or teasing, but you are cruel and hurtful with your words.
*You may be cruel to animals. Again you feel you are the one in charge and to be obeyed completely.
*Sometimes you are Mr. wonderful and then you are Mr. Terrible. Your partner never knows which will come out and Mr. Wonderful gives her/him hope you will stay like that, only to be disappointed when you feel threatened or feel a need to control.
*Sex is again your entitlement. You are not to be turned away, or told no. You take what you want and do not care about your partners pleasure or pain. You may delude yourself that you are a great lover because you are macho and forceful. You will not take the blame for this or hold yourself accountable for any accusations of sexual abuse or harassment.
*You threaten violence. Especially during an argument. You have a need to be right and to be told you are right. You will threaten harm, leaving, kicking them out, hurting their child or pet, or anything that will force your way.
If you fit this profile in any way, it would be good to review some of the chapters on right, boundaries, control, family of origin issues, and self-care. Offender behavior causes you trouble in one way or another. Find an anger management group and/or a good counselor who will help you change your distorted thinking pattern and choices.
If you are holding yourself accountable for you behaviors and choices, you are probably well on your way to eliminating any offender behaviors.
We tend to live what we learn growing up. If we lived in a violent dysfunctional family, that is what we thought was “normal” behavior. Their thinking patterns and attitudes would become ours. When we bring these dysfunctional patterns into our adult life and relationships it can destroy us.
Alcohol and substance abuse/use can also exacerbate the dysfunction and destroy our ability to be rational about what we are doing and the choices we are making.
Remember anger is a feeling and feelings just “are.” They are not good or bad. They feel good and bad. Feeling are always there like weather. Sometimes they are calm and we don’t notice and sometimes they are a hurricane. What we DO with our anger is what gets us into trouble or not. By “trouble” I do not mean with the law necessarily. We can get into “trouble” by making things uncomfortable and not wonderful for ourselves or our family.
If you need more reason to consider making sure you do not exhibit offender behavior, ask yourself this:
Has my behavior hurt my relationship with my partner, family, friends, pets, co-workers, neighbors, etc?
Has my behavior affected my stress level and therefor my health?
Has my behavior gotten me in trouble with the law?
Has my behavior or anger expression caused me be dangerous with driving, legal problems, hurting yourself by hitting something, by getting in a fight?
Has my behavior and anger expression caused me to break things, loss jobs, etc.?
Offender behavior is a choice. If you find you still are exhibiting this kind of choices and behaviors it is your choice to change that. Start to increase your integrity by holding yourself accountable and changing the aggressive types of behaviors you choose.
Copyright 2015. All material contained herein is owned and protected. Any attempts to reproduce this information without the express written consent from the owner will be prosecuted.
Congratulations, you are finished with lesson Forty-seven in Domestic Violence. When you complete the four sections of questions for LESSON FORTY-SEVEN QUIZ you will be automatically given Lesson FORTY-EIGHT.
LESSON FORTY-SEVEN QUIZ