By Yvonne Sinclair M.A.
Six for Sex
That first glow of “in love” sometimes gets lost in the job of daily living. When children are added, it may seem you then ride the train to nowhere. Your relationship with your spouse gets lost in the muck of breakfast, getting kids dressed and up, off to work and school, back again with homework, soccer, karate, sleepovers, play dates, dinner, laundry, pets, and on and on.
You love your partner, and can't quite imagine life without them. Yet when life takes over, you are seldom alone together. The romance is put on the back burner and it's all too easy to fall into the pattern of criticizing, berating, and belittling, with each of you feeling wronged by the other. It may begin to feel like the two of you are oceans apart when it comes to intimacy.
Recapturing that “in love” feeling takes time and attention. It takes prioritizing “life” and perhaps missing soccer practice to take care of the parent’s relationship and assuring that the soccer player has a secure and loving home.
Communication is the key to keeping a relationship alive and well. Learn to speak the language of love so that you and your partner are on the same page emotionally and sexually once again. Reawaken your “in love.”
1. Really Listen. Avoid misinterpretations.
Be sure you that you hear what your partner wants you to hear. It's easy to say one thing and your partner hear another. Reflective listening will prevent this. Reflect back what you hear your partner say or feel. “What I hear you say is,“ a way to reflect what you are hearing. Your partner can then answer “yes” or rephrase what they said so that you can hear it the way they intend. For example, you can say “you look great in that black dress.” Your partner hears “I look bad in the red one.” The goal is to keep defensiveness down and to try to hear what your partner is saying. Reflective listening can have the effect of ensuring that you don't feel reactive and angry toward your partner. There is not a right and wrong. We talk and listen through our life filters. When we are not
feeling unheard and ignored, our level of emotional intimacy deepens and we are more inclined to feel sexual.
2. Agree to disagree.
If one has to be right and one wrong, you are setting yourselves up for failure. Each partner has their own reality. You can spend a day at Disneyland, same weather, same lunch, same rides, same crowds, same lines, and at the end of the day one hated it and one loved it. You are both right, because you each have your own reality. So if you argue to the death and one needs to be right so the other is wrong, you will fail. It's not okay to give in and lose it by screaming and yelling at each other. Try remembering what it was like at the start of your relationship, when you were hopelessly in love. Go back to when it was working for you. Look at old pictures together, play music that you played when you were first together, or go on a date to somewhere you used to go together.
3. Understand your relationship “evolves.”
Evolution is not a bad thing. It can, however, erode the emotional intimacy and therefore your sexual feelings for each other. Evolution can enhance these or it can destroy them. If you forget to take time for yourselves as a couple, stop doing little sweet things for each other, or hold resentments, the evolution will be negative. Take an inventory of how you both are feeling about the evolution and stop any negative direction in which it seems to be heading. You can try writing your partner a short note to share what you are thinking. Ask them to respond with a note.
Yes, time is a very important love builder. It has been estimated, when two people have an affair, they spend an average of 15 hours a week together. So, how much time do the two of you spend, one on one, during a weeks time? Between, homework, little league, and teacher conference, when do you have “time.” Again, carve it out. If two people having an affair can do it, you can manage 5 hours a week with your love. Even using an early morning to have coffee and read to each other in bed, long bubble bath with music and candles, or wine/tea for ½ hour each evening as “parent” time. Use your ingenuity and imagination. This is a great communication exercise. Discuss together on how to make time for love. Your children will thank you as time goes on. Taking care of the parent’s relationship gives the children a solid home.
5. Talking together.
Sometimes “talking” can be in writing. Finding a little love note in your pocket, will brighten your day and deepen your emotional intimacy, even though you are not physically in the same place. Keeping a notebook can also be a good place to communicate what you both want out of sex. When you get an inspiration or a wish, write it in the notebook. The notebook can be read together and be a way to add fun to your evening.
The notebook can be used to discuss issues you are having about your sex life.
Comments in the journal like, "I am happy with how often we have sex" and "I feel like I want more attention from you during the rest of the day" can be ways to open conversation about meeting each other’s needs. It can be a learning experience for both of you and ultimately may bring you closer emotionally and physically.
6. Revitalize with resources. “
Plethora” comes to mind when I think of books about relationship. Self-help books to assist you building, healing, enhancing, changing, understanding, or mending your relationship are numerous. I have some favorites to recommend.
Finding your own personal love language is a great way to being to increase your emotional intimacy with your partner. When you understand how you feel loved and how they feel loved, you will not spend time and energy in the wrong direction. With that in mind I recommend; The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
, by Gary Chapman
Putting spice into your love life is an easy pick. Laura Corn offers two books that are a great help in this direction;
101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples
101 Nights of Grrreat Romance: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples
So, you didn’t think “six for sex” was double menage' a trios did you???
Really, what were you thinking??
©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., LMFT. All Rights Reserved. All material is owned and protected. Reproduction without the express written consent of the author is forbidden.
Enhance Your Relationship Through Your Five Senses
by Yvonne Sinclair M.A.
Spring is a great time to incorporate your five senses into your relationship enhancement agenda. Mother Nature assists you with everything bursting in bloom, soft breezes, and birds voicing joy.
Enjoying the season’s plethora of sensory opportunities with your significant other can be a wonderful relationship enhancement. Slowing down your world to smell the roses together will allow for intimacy. The comfortable weather allows the two of you to have a glass of something tasty on the patio while watching and listening to the surroundings together. Spend time and effort communicating what brings you pleasure. In California, a drive in the foothills would show the new spring green bursting from every tree, poppies growing along the road, and bright skies. Wherever you live, a day drive in spring can awaken your senses. Taking the drive with your mate can increase your awareness of each other, can allow you to learn what brings each of you joy, and can increase your communication skills. All of these advantages will also deepen your emotional intimacy. The time need not be an expensive, planned, or complicated journey. Learning to be together without an agenda allows emotional intimacy to grow.
When I give couples their four hour homework, it includes all five senses. The homework begins with a bubble bath (if bathtub size allows). The experience offers the warm water and each other for touch, an aroma of candles and bubbles for smell, music for hearing, something tasty to drink for taste, and the opportunity to look at someone who loves you and cares to be with you for sight.
You could expand on this homework idea with your creativity. Perhaps you can blindfold each other in turn, and have foods, flowers, or other items to test the blindfolded partner’s sense of smell. Cutting off one sense can enhance another sense. You could even incorporate these tactics into your love-making and achieve heightened levels of sensuality while discovering the ultimate lovemaking pleasure.
I recommend 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance
by Laura Corn because it is a great book full of romantic ideas that sometimes include the five senses. Corn describes her book as “ways to make love with your clothes on.” She also wrote 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex
. Both are well-done and tasteful books with dozens of great ideas to enhance your relationship. These books encourage relationship intimacy by instructing you to read the books together and share the activities as a couple.
Do you not have the time to slow down and smell the roses? Explore what is important for you. Are you taking care of yourself so you can be available to care for others? Are you taking care of others and depleting your personal resources? Relationships do not grow and glow all alone. Relationships take attention. If life, jobs, little league, laundry, and homework are taking up 100% of your time and energy, then your relationship will suffer. Sometimes it helps to actually schedule your relationship time into your otherwise full schedule. Balance the need for attending every game or practice and caring for the parents’ relationship. Give the need for relationship enhancement some serious thought. In the long run, parents taking care of their relationship will benefit the family and the children.
I also recommend the DVD, 101 Ways to Excite Your Lover,
by Playboy. It is a tasteful DVD that gives you many ideas about how to incorporate the five senses into your play and love-making. It is not a pornographic DVD, but more of an instructional, fun DVD.
Have fun with the proposal of using all five senses to enhance your relationship and deepen your intimacy. Use your creativity and allow time to take care of yourself and your relationship.
©Copyright 2011 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., LMFT All Rights Reserved. All material is owned and protected. Reproduction without the express written consent of the author is forbidden.