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Anger Management for Healthy Expression-Lesson FIVE

Written by Anger Specialist
Yvonne Sinclair M.A.

What is Bugging You? Know the Triggers to Your Anger.

 Review Lesson Four: Research has demonstrated that anger changes your body in predictable ways.  Research also suggests frequent anger arousal is clearly detrimental. For example, anger arousal causes increased heart rate and blood pressure; this sets off a chain reaction in your arousal physiology, making you more prone to heart problems, essential hypertension, and other illnesses that may affect the quality of your life. Identifying and understanding your provocations are essential as these are the external events that interact with your thought, bodily changes, and behavior to initiate your anger.

 What bugs you? Knowing the triggers to your anger will help you avoid the events and situations that cause the angry feelings. Does coming home to a mess just get you going? Does traffic make you hot? That is what I am talking about. Certain things or events or statements irritate, annoy, or downright make you mad. Other things that are triggers for a lot of people include the following: money issues, indifference to your feelings, sex problems, irresponsibility in others, and drinking (yours or another person’s).

 Even your self-talk can trigger your angry feelings. Negative self-talk can create a feeling of irritation that leads to anger. For example, you pick up a bag of coffee beans, and they spill all over the counter. You can self-talk, “Stupid beans! This always happens to me! Who put them in this bag?!” Or you can self-talk, “Dang, I hate it when this happens. (Deep breath) Let see how to clean them up the easiest.”

Make a list of the things that “bug” you. Put every little thing you can think about on this list. Let it all out. For example: I hate waking up early. I get angry went the toilet paper is gone. I am annoyed when people drive poorly. The milk should never go sour. And, please, turn off the neighbor’s dog at 2 AM.

 Then, try to avoid these triggers or make a self-talk list to be more positive for these times when they cannot be avoided. Here is where all you have learned in previous lessons will come in handy. Notice your annoyed feelings when they are small, let them out in some way, and notice what you tell yourself. Now, the neighbor’s dog and bad drivers can be things out of your control. However, you can find a way to release the anger appropriately. Don’t put that special finger up in traffic; people have weapons now. Talk to the drivers (out loud to yourself) while you are driving. Tell them how you wish they would go to driving school, or tell yourself how happy you are to know how to drive well and not put others in danger. Find a way to address the dog issue before you are stomping over to the neighbor’s house at 2 AM with your baseball bat.

 Here are some ideas for dealing with common triggers:

*Traffic – if you cannot avoid traffic, then think of the time as your time to listen to your favorite music. Leave a little earlier, so “late” is not another irritation.

*House is a mess – you may need to make a house rule: no one bothers you for the first ½ hour you are home. This is time for you to get centered and relax a little. When you return to the scene, you will be able to handle the mess more calmly. Do you get the picture?

*Guy in your face telling you what a dumb a** you are – Take a deep breath and breathe out the irritation. Take a good look at him and see if he is really worth what you will lose by going off on him or hurting him. What will your anger cost you? Walking away in this case would be a wonderful way to keep your power.

*Girlfriend/boyfriend finds another love, and he/she just happens to be your best friend – This is a toughie. Talk to someone you trust (I know you trusted both of them an hour ago). Watch your self-talk and make it positive, especially about yourself. You were attracted this girl/guy for some reason. Perhaps she/he had the old family dynamic, and now you deserve better. The same applies to your best friend. Not only family will fight your changing and getting healthy, but just like substance abuse recovery, you may need new friends to fit the healthy new you.

 Again, it takes a lot of energy to change. Remember how old you are is how many years you have been expressing your anger in the old way. How long have you been collecting the triggers that lead to angry expressions? What is bugging you is of legitimate concern. Finding a way to be proactive about your needs without losing your temper and getting into trouble is the plan.

Learning new behaviors is hard word, but it is well worth it. So, hang in there and keep up the good work.

 Things that bug you, or triggers, to your anger can seem even more annoying if you are experiencing depression. One symptom of depression is being more irritable than usual. Depression can happen to anyone. It can be caused by a traumatic event, a change in body chemistry, or a sense of deep loss. In some cases, an inherited family pattern can spark the depression.

This is sometimes called a predisposition for depression. Depression is usually caused by what we perceive as a traumatic event. Therefore, depression is not a preventable condition. To one person, trauma can be a huge, horrible event, but to another, it can be something more subtle. Each person has his/her own reality, so another person cannot determine if a specific event was traumatic for another. Only you can determine what feels traumatic to you. If you have been feeling sad most of the day and can’t seem to shake that down feeling, then perhaps you are dealing with Major Depressive Disorder.

 Feeling sad, having low energy, having a low libido, or being irritable can indicate an episode of Major Depressive Disorder. Notice the diagnosis is a “disorder.” This is not a mental illness that can only be treated and maintained with medication. It is a disorder, so just like a physical flu. This disorder can go away.

 While sadness touches all of our lives at different times, the illness of depression can have enormous depth and staying power. If you have ever experienced depression or been close to someone who has, you know that this disorder cannot be changed at will. It cannot be wished or joked away either. It is not just the blues, and you cannot just “get over it.”

Depression is similar to an emotional flu. When you go to the medical doctor and tell him/her you have symptoms such as fever, nausea, etc, the doctor may say, “Oh, you have the flu. Go home and get lots of rest. Drink lots of fluids and take care of yourself.”

 So, you go home and say to yourself, (self-talk) “Self, this is so stupid. Why can’t I get over this fever and nausea?!” Right? No, you do not. You take care of yourself and allow your body heal. Depression is a form of emotional flu. I instruct my clients to take care of themselves and let their mental body heal. Saying to yourself, “Self, this is so stupid. Why can I not just get over feeling drained and irritable?” Just as saying "Get over it" for the physical flu symptoms won't cure the symptoms, you cannot just tell yourself to get over the depression.

Depression symptoms will tell you how the “emotional flu" is affecting your life. Depression flu symptoms are sometimes not as obvious as physical flu symptoms. Have you or someone you know changed recently? This person has no energy, a lack of concentration, and decreased libido. In children, irritability can be a symptom of depression. How do the mental health professionals determine if we are sad or having a Major Depressive Disorder episode?

 Being depressed has nothing to do with personal weakness. Scientists have determined that changes in nerve pathways and brain chemicals called neurotransmitters can affect your moods and thoughts. These changes in brain chemistry may show up as symptoms of depression. This may include sleep problems, change in appetite, irritability, and decreased energy. Although these symptoms are signs of depression, if you talk to any two depressed people about their experiences, you may think they were describing entirely different realities. For example, one might not have the ability to maintain his/her usual energy level while the other might feel tired and unable to motivate him/herself. Sometimes, when people are depressed, it feels like they are up to their necks in mud. Everything is a huge effort.

 One person may feel sad and break into tears easily. One might pick at food without an appetite, and another might want to eat constantly. Depression symptoms are not universal, so each person will experience depression in his/her personal way.

 Sometimes, we slip into depression. The sad mood starts out light, and it slowly becomes deeper before we realize we are in the process of slipping into a depressive state. We can use a check list as a reality check in order to see if our sad has slipped past the “just sad” mark into a depression zone.

Some studies show that depression has certain common patterns. For example, women are almost twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. While major depression may start at any time in life, the initial episode occurs, on average, during the mid-20s. One theory is that depression is anger turned inwards. If we identify our anger and express it toward the reason, then we are angry. That way, our depression may lessen or even dissolve. Men are notoriously taught it is not okay to cry, but it is okay to be angry. So, when they are sad, sometimes they turn their emotions into anger. Women are generally taught it is okay to cry, but not to be angry, so you guessed it: women have the tendency to turn anger into depression. This may account for fact that more women than men experience depression.

 Depression or hopelessness may feel so paralyzing that it makes seeking help seem impossible. Studies show the vast majority of people who receive professional treatment rebound emotionally within two to six weeks. Then, they take pleasure in life once again. When Major Depression Disorder goes untreated, however, suffering can last for months. Furthermore, episodes of depression frequently recur. About half of those who sink into an episode of major depression will have at least one more episode later in his/her life.

Some researchers believe diagnosing depression early and treating it successfully can help forestall such recurrences. They suspect that the more episodes of depression you have experienced, the more likely you are to have future episodes because depression may cause enduring changes in brain circuits and chemicals that affect mood.

 Counseling can also help identify and inherently remedy the underlying issues that may be the cause of your depression. Counseling can also help you change the way you look at events or the way you communicate your needs. It can also offer ways to empower you to be happy.

 Can we prevent Major Depressive Disorder?

If we discover we have Major Depressive Disorder, are we stuck being sad for the rest of our life, or can we change the way we are feeling? Do we have to take medication to make it all better? What can we do to get back to feeling like ourselves again? Once we climb out of a depression episode, what can we do to keep from falling in again? Our diet, exercise habits, and thinking patterns can play a part in the progression of the depression.

Making changes now can offer long-term benefits to your mental health.

 We can prevent depression by staying in touch with our feelings and being assertive about our needs and personal boundaries. In addition, we can also engage in some depression-prevention activities such as the following:

Stay active: Physical activity is advantageous for your physical health, and it can also help to lift or prevent depression. Almost any type of physical activity for at least 30 minutes, three to five times a week, is sufficient enough to serve the purpose. Aerobic activity is good for lifting depressive symptoms when they are not severe. This includes walking, swimming, and any other movement that is repetitive. Aerobics for 20 minutes a day is recommended for lifting depression symptoms.

Stay connected with friends and family: Keeping your social life active helps to keep your mind occupied and fulfilled. Sometimes people suffering from depression have the tendency to want to close the door and lock out the world. This only exacerbates the depressive symptoms. Taking steps to stay involved with the people in your life — and reaching out to meet new ones — can help to prevent depression from occurring.

Find somewhere to talk: Sometimes a friend or family member is not enough. Preventive therapy, whether you choose to see a therapist one-on-one, in a support group, or even online counseling, can give you third party insight into your situation and help you through it.

Other activities: Find an activity that you can enjoy without the help of others. You may enjoy yoga, tai chi, journaling, or reading. These activities can help relieve stress, and they serve as a distraction. Here's a word of caution: sometimes we keep busy, busy, busy in order to avoid our issues. Be sure you are not preventing yourself from addressing the underlying cause of your depression.

Care for your physical health: If we don’t feel good physically, it can affect our mental health. Make a medical doctor appointment to address your feelings of depression and trouble shoot about any physical symptoms that may add to your ability to feel good emotionally. Remember to eat healthy. Whole grains are believed to help lift depression. Popcorn, whole oats, whole wheat, and oatmeal are all great ways to get our whole grains.

 Be careful when it comes to alcohol. It is a depressant, and it will consequently exacerbate the depression. Caring for your physical health will also facilitate handling anger expression in a more positive manner.

When you experience Major Depressive Disorder, usually the chemistry in your brain has been changed. Sometimes, a chemical is necessary to change the brain chemistry back to “normal.” I am not sure what “normal” is because it is a subjective term, but to me, the word “normal” in this case means back to the real you. This chemical is called anti-depressant medication. There are dozens of antidepressant medications and natural remedies. A consult with your physician would be a good place to start. If your doctor prescribes you an anti-depressant, and you experience undesirable side effects, then call to consult with your doctor again. Medication dosage or a change in medication maybe in order for you. Just because one anti-depressant worked wonders for someone you know does not mean you will react to that same medication in the same manner.

Counseling can also help you identify and then remedy the underlying issues causing your depression. Counseling can help you change the way you look at events and the way you communicate your needs.  It can also offer ways to empower you to be happy. To help with recovery, see your physician, naturopath, herbalist, and/or counselor.

 The symptom checklist is from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This DSM is used by physicians, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists to diagnosis Major Depressive Disorder.

The following is a list of emotional and physical symptoms that may be indicative of Major Depressive Disorder. If you suspect your child is experiencing depression, then schedule a consultation with a counselor or physician.

 Let us explore your symptoms with our DSM-based check list. If you find you have five or more "yes" answers to the symptoms on the checklist below, then medication is an option for you. Take a copy of the symptom checklist with you to your doctor appointment.

 Major Depressive Disorder-Symptoms Explored

Answering “yes” to five or more of these symptoms may mean you have Major Depressive Disorder. If you suspect you are having an episode of

Major Depressive Disorder, please consult with your physician.

 *Appetite change or a weight loss/gain total of five pounds or more. Do you eat more or less than usual?

*Trouble sleeping (trouble going to sleep, staying asleep, and/or waking early)

*Trouble with concentration

*Sad most of the day

*Cry easily

*Feeling helpless and hopeless

*Feeling worthlessness

*Loss of interest in usually enjoyed activities

*Decreased energy level

*Decreased sex drive/libido

*Suicidal thoughts or a definite plan

*Irritable

*Angry outbursts (Suddenly you are mad and wonder, “Where did that come from?”)

*A tendency to wish to isolate yourself, close your door, and keep the world away.

 Some clinicians today believe that depression is caused by a combination of factors. Some factors include biological (including a possible predisposition to depressive episodes), social, and psychological. Treatment focusing exclusively on one of these areas may not be as helpful as a treatment that addresses all three issues.

 Complementary and Alternative Treatments for Depression:

Complementary and alternative therapies, such as herbal treatments, exercise, relaxation, meditation exercises, and acupuncture are all possible solutions for depression. Be sure to initially address all areas of yourself: physical, mental, social, personal, and emotional. Then, examine your relationships.

 When you see a professional, share any other therapies you plan to seek.

Interaction of herbs, supplements, and medication is a possibility. If you seek the help of alternative medicines, make sure they are authentic and high quality. Also, your doctor may be able to offer advice about any particular alternative therapy.

 Feel good again. Get “you” back and get some tools with help from the professionals available to you. Take active steps to prevent slipping into depression again!

 Use your trigger situations to take care of yourself. Again, it takes a lot of energy to change. Remember how old you are is how many years you have been expressing your anger in the old way and collecting triggers. Learning new behaviors is hard work, but it is well worth it. Keep up the good work.

Congratulations for embarking on a calmer and healthier you. Change does not happen immediately or even over night. Keep progressing. Hang in there and help the changes happen. This is for you.

 ©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.  

Congratulations, you are finished with the fifth lesson on how to express your anger in a healthy manner. When you complete the four sections of questions for LESSON FIVE QUIZ you will be automatically given Lesson SIX.

LESSON FIVE QUIZ
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