How to cool your jets in seven easy steps.
Anger Management made easy.

 

 

 

Anger management designed to help you keep your power and stay cool.

“Anger management” to some people may mean keeping his/her anger inside by holding that anger in or “stuffing” it. This form of “management” is like blowing a little air into a balloon each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, irritated, or annoyed. Each time you “stuff” your anger, you fill the balloon with a little more air. Finally, the balloon will burst just as you may explode with anger or rage. Suddenly, you may be expressing anger in a way that hurts others and gets you into trouble. The anger comes out somewhere even when we think we are “controlling” it. It may express itself with physical sickness or emotional pain.

Is anger bad? Anger feels bad! Anger can raise your stress and affect your health, especially when you “manage” your anger by keeping it to

yourself. When you “stuff” your angry feelings, you are not managing them. This form of anger “management” can jeopardize your health and well-being. Expressing your anger in a way that does not hurt others, yourself, or get you into trouble is a healthy form anger “management.”

Some facts about anger you may not have known:

*Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is a “normal” emotion.

*Feelings of anger are normal. Everyone feels angry at one time or another.

*Anger can be controlled. It is easier to control the anger in its earlier stages. You can learn ways to control your anger.

*Ignoring your anger is like blowing air into a balloon. The angry feelings build and build until it explodes.

*Even after you are angry, you can control your anger. You can learn to

calm down and learn to avoid anger triggers for you.

*You are not bad because you feel anger.

Anger is a bad feeling emotion. The fact is anger is just an emotion. Anger is not bad or good -- anger just is. Emotions are always there. Emotions are like weather; they are always present. Sometimes emotions are calm, and we don’t notice they are a part of us. Sometimes emotions are like a hurricane and impossible to ignore. Emotions are also our barometer to what is going on around us. Happy feelings tell us, "Hey, something you like is going on.” Mad feelings say, "Be aware something is going on, and it is not good for you.” So if we listen to our emotions, we can discover what is going on in our world and what kind of affect the event is having on us.

We have the potential to channel our anger energy into a positive response. We can notice our anger early and express in a healthy way. This anger “management” allows our body to be clear, and then anger does not have a negative effect on our health.

1. Step one to healthy anger management/expression:

Notice your negative emotions. Keep track of each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, annoyed, or irritated. There is no good or bad amount. Again, these feelings just are. The good part is the noticing.

2. Step two to healthy anger management/expression:

Expressing that negative emotion is an important aspect of healthy anger expression. When you begin to notice each time you are having negative feeling that may lead to anger, then you can choose to express those feelings. You can express before you are at the exploding stage. Step two is to express each time you notice a feeling of anger, frustration, or annoyance. Express yourself out loud in some way.

3. Step three to healthy anger management/expression:

A “Time-out” has rules. When we are feeling our anger raise to a point that it will interfere with our communication or calm thinking, taking a "time-out" is a responsible thing to do. Time-out does not mean walking out the door and slamming it behind you, leaving your partner to wonder where you are going and if you are coming back. There is a specific formula or “rules” for time-out so that the time can be a positive action. Time-outs help to establish trust between the partners.

Time-out rules:

*State you need a time out.

*Make an appointment to return.

*Each partner does something to reduce angry feelings and increase his/her ability to communicate in a productive manner when he/she returns.

*At the appointed time, resolution is attempted again. If one of the partners is not ready, then another appointment time is agreed upon.

 4. Step four to healthy anger management/expression:

A healthy way to "manage" your anger is to get physical in order to calm your angry feelings before they build to an explosion. Develop self-soothing plans. Try out different physical activities that help you reduce stress and decide which ones work best for you. Here are a few suggestions:

*Deep breathing
*Jogging

*Basketball

*Count slowly. Start at ten and count back to one.

*Progressive relaxation

 5. Step five to healthy anger management/expression:

Physical activity will help us to lower our stress level and reduce the feelings of anger. During the physical activity, what we tell our selves is an important part of reducing the anger. This is our “self-talk.” Keep your self-talk positive and real.

Make a list of positive self-talk statements. Here are some suggestions:

*I don’t need to be right.

*I cannot control anything in the world except myself.

*I have the right to be wrong.

*I have the right to make mistakes.

*Is it time for a time-out?

 If your self-talk increases your anger, then it is not working for you. It is not “positive” self talk. Some of the time, self-talk is not based on reality.

Sometimes our self-statements can trigger us to continue our anger, so we need to be sure we use the right kind of self-talk.

6 Step six to healthy anger management/expression:

Anger is not wrong. Anger can actually be “good” anger. It is our indicator something is not right in our world. We can use our anger to make changes in our world. Sometimes our anger is justified. Direct your anger towards the right place. When you express your anger directly at the problem, then you can make changes, especially for yourself. Communicate assertively. Keep trying different words and tones until your statements sound and feel the way you would be able to hear them.

 7. Step seven to healthy anger management/expression:

“Triggers” can  increase your vulnerability to becoming angry.

Does coming home to a mess just get you going? Does traffic make you hot? Make a list of the things that “bug” you. Then try to avoid these or make a self-talk list to be more positive for these times. For example, if traffic gets you upset, and it cannot be avoided, then think of the time as your time to listen to your favorite music. Use your trigger situations to take care of yourself.

Remember how old you are is how many years you have been expressing your anger in the old way. Learning new behaviors is hard. So, hang in there. Change will happen. If you put your new tools for anger management in the tool box, then they will not help you change. Get them out and use them. These tools will help make the changes happen.

©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.