Let's Get Physical-Self Soothing

 Anger Management for Healthy Expression-Lesson SEVEN

 

Written by Anger Specialist
Yvonne Sinclair M.A.

 Let’s Get Physical

 

Review Lesson Six: Fighting can be an effective way of communication.

Foolish fighting goes around and around, resolving nothing.

Commanding, interrupting, giving advice, lecturing, and kidding all stop communication immediately. If one person feels he/she needs a time-out, then he/she states, “I need to take a time-out.” The partner must respect that wish. Time-outs help to establish trust between people. You can agree to disagree. You have the right to be wrong.

 Anger is thought to be the number one cause of divorce. The

Department of Health and Human Services reports, “Domestic fights turn violent when anger is not controlled. This accounts for more visits to the emergency room than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.” The

American Heart Association in 1996 reported, “People who chronically lose their temper have far higher risk of developing serious cardiac and other disease.”

 Self-Soothing Plan - Getting Physical: Try some new ideas and decide which ones work best for you.  Here are some ideas to consider:

*Deep Breathing – Take three deep breaths. Breathe air in through your nose and then breathe out through your mouth (like you are blowing out a candle). Do this at least three times.

*4X4X4 – Breathe in to the count of four, hold the breath to a count of four, and then let the breath out slowly to a count of four.

*Jogging or walking around the block - Take a brisk walk. Use a treadmill. During this time, practice positive self-talk.

*Basketball - Go shoot some hoops. During this time, practice positive self-talk.

*Count slowly. Start at ten, and count down to one. Do this slowly while using your positive thoughts to change your angry feelings.

*Ripping newspaper – This helps to lower anger. Rules for ripping paper: rip paper, scrunch it up, and throw it in a basket or paper bag. Repeat until you feel better. Think of throwing your anger into the paper bag along with the newspaper.

*Muscle work – Do you clench your jaw when you are stressed or angry? Clench your jaw really hard for a minute.  Do this twelve times in a row. This will help to relax you. You can do the same with neck muscles. You can also do this exercise with your arms, legs, back, etc. This will systematically relax your body. The attention on your physical being can distract you from your anger.

*Progressive relaxation - Start with your facial muscles and tighten them to the count of ten. Then, relax them. Pick another set of muscles and do the same exercise. Continue this process slowly down your neck and shoulders all the way to your toes. Continue the 10-count, tighten, and then relax each muscle until you have relaxed your whole body. This is addressed in more detail later in this lesson.

*Personal time-out - You may want to take a nice, hot shower or bath as your personal time-out. Let the water and heat do the relaxing while you work on your thinking pattern, self-talk, and thoughts. Physical activity will help you to lower your stress level and reduce the feelings of anger. During the physical activity, what you tell yourself is an important part of reducing the anger. This is your “self-talk.” Notice what you tell yourself during times when your anger is escalating. You may need to do a “reality check” to keep your self-talk positive and real.

 High expectations can be a factor that leads to displaced anger. Are your expectations realistic? Where do your expectations come from? Doing something to calm your angry feelings before they build to an explosion is a healthy way to “manage” your anger. Using words and sounds helps. Pay attention to your self-talk and keep it positive. Learn your triggers and implement a positive action plan. This lesson will discuss doing something physical to help lower your stress level and decrease angry feelings.

 First, let’s explore stress in general. Stress can be controlled. Even the normal, daily stress level you experience can be lowered with activities and certain foods. Some physical conditions can increase your fatigue and, therefore, your stress level.

 Stress and Fatigue
In the November 2010 issue of the magazine, For Women First, Dr. Oz explores physical conditions to have your doctor consider if you are fatigued.

 Even though the magazine is for women, these conditions are not limited to the female gender.

*Pre-diabetes symptoms: intense cravings for sweets or carbohydrates, belly-centric weight gain, frequent infections, severe PMS, premenopausal, or menopausal symptoms, and darkened skin on the inner thighs, neck, armpits, knees, or elbows.

*Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms: exhaustion even after mild physical activity, brain fog/forgetfulness, body aches/joint pains, sore throat.

*Anemia symptoms: light-headedness, a racing heart or shortness of breath, frequent headaches, cold hands and feet, muscular weakness.

*Low Thyroid symptoms: brittle fingernails and hair, often feeling cold, weight gain, depression, constipation, memory lapses.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, then a visit to your primary care physician would be in order. Feeling fatigued can increase your stress, and increased stress lowers anger control.

 Stress and Foods

Most of us live with a full schedule each day. Operating in a constant state of overdrive can be seriously detrimental to our health. Shawn Talbott, Ph.D., author of The Cortisol Connection, states “Any kind of stress-from traffic congestion to public speaking-prompts the adrenal glands to produce hormone cortical.” In the November 2010 issue of the magazine, First for Women, continues the discussion. “In small bursts, this hormone sparks the release of stored blood sugar, increases heart rate, and increases circulationphysiological effects meant to energize you to respond to whatever is triggering anxiety. The problem is, modern stressors like bills and deadlines rarely go away. This keeps the adrenals in a continuous state of cortisol production. Complicating matters even more, over time, unrelenting stress leaves the adrenals exhausted and unable to keep up with the cortisol demands. This depletes the glands’ ability to pump our sufficient levels of hormones like adrenaline, norepinephrine, and testosterone, which help the body cope with anxiety. Left untreated, adrenal fatigue can lead to more serious conditions including fibromyalgia, autoimmune disease, and type 2 diabetes.” In other words, our constant on-the-go lifestyle and stress will lead to more stress with physical problems and disease.

The good news is there are some foods that help us break down excess

cortisol. Of course, the most permanent and healthy solution would be to slow down our schedule, spend time taking care of ourselves, spend time with family and friends, and take time to smell the roses.

 Here are the foods that help lower cortisol levels:

*Vitamin C rich foods like citrus fruit, bell peppers, and sweet potatoes

*Magnesium found in spinach, beans, and nuts

*Omega-3 fatty acids found in fish and flaxseed

*Zinc rich foods like red meats and dark chocolate.

For Women First, promises “All told, these healing foods can restore adrenal health and leave you with increased energy, sunnier moods, sharper focus and a slimmer waistline in as little as two weeks!” Wow, I’m going shopping for these foods.

 Listening to Your Body

To have the ablity to hear your body talk to you, you need to be aware of what is happening within your body. You must be aware of what your body is feeling. Tension is the initial stage in anger arousal. When we feel stressed out, we are more likely to react to a minor annoyance as though it was a catastrophe. Systematically relaxing your muscles will help to release the tension.

 Do each step at least once a day for a week; this will lower your stress level.

 See how it works for you. My guess is it will become a daily activity for you.

*Head, neck, and shoulders. These muscles are important from an emotional point of view. They are where most people retain stress and tension. Wrinkle your forehead as tight as you can. Hold this for a moment and then relax. Close your eyes very tightly, hold, and then relax. Continue through all the facial muscles you can isolate and tighten. Stretch your head all the way back and hold it until you feel the tension loosen. Then, stretch your head to one side and then the other. Again, hold until you feel the tension loosen.

*Hands, forearms, and biceps. Clench your left fist as tight as you can and hold for a time as you notice your muscles up and down your arm. Release and repeat with the right fist.

*Chest, stomach, and back. Take a deep breath and hold it. Breathe in a little more as you feel your lungs stretch. Hold for a moment longer or as long as you can and release. Tighten your stomach muscles and hold, then release. You may want to do both of these exercises more than once. Hold your arms straight out to the side from your shoulders and press them back until you feel the tension in your back muscles. Hold this position for a while. Now stretch your arms over your head as far as you can and feel your back muscles stretch. Hold for a while until the tension lessens. Shrug your shoulders in the same manner. Hunch over and feel the muscles in your lower back.

*Thighs, buttocks, calves, and feet. Tighten your buttocks and hold for a while. Then, release. Again, repeat as you wish. Press your thighs together and hold; then, release. Point your toes like a ballerina. Point, feel your calves tighten, hold, and release. Do one foot at a time. Now, force your toes upward and feel the tightness in your shins. Hold, then release. Roll your foot in circles to the left and then to the right.

 Some quick “break the tension” exercises:

*Minute massage. This works best if you can get the help of a friend instead of doing the exercise all alone. Whether it is a stiff neck, rock-hard shoulders, a headache, or an aching back, a massage will lower your stress level and help you feel better.

*Relax it away. Even by sitting or standing, you can work the systematic relaxation exercise to relax each muscle group.

*Move your position. Change the way you are sitting or standing. Take a break and walk around a bit. When you are driving, stretch one hand and then the other as far back as you safely can. Move your hand position on the wheel, or flex your leg and foot muscles.

*Reach out. As in the systematic relaxation exercise, stretching your arms up, out, back, or down will help to release tension.

*Take a nap. Close your eyes for a moment and relax. You can shut out the pressure. Take some deep breaths while you “nap.”

 When the tension has your body yelling at you, try these:

*Shake your hands. Make them loose as they hang by your side.

*Peace talks happen best sitting down. Sitting down gives you a moment to breathe and release some of your anger. Check your self-talk here. If you are already sitting, then lean back. When you get angry and yell, you have a tendency to lean forward. Leaning back will tell you to talk slowly and calmly to yourself. Lean back and give the scene an overall look.

*Take a walk to the water jug. Go get a drink of water. The walk will help your body calm down a little. This will also give you time to take some deep breaths and check your inner voice.

*Try the 4X4X4 breathing or deep breaths that are in through your nose and out through your mouth.

*Don’t wait until someone tells you to “shut up” to quiet yourself. This gives you space to check your inner voice and formulate what you really want to say.  It also helps you to stay in power. Silence can be golden.

 STOP!

When you feel your anger rising, a good method to assist you in paying attention to your feelings and your body voice is to imagine a “STOP” sign popping up in front of you. Your “STOP” sign gives you time to think about what your anger will cost you or the consequences of expressing your anger in an aggressive manner. It will give you a few moments to avoid impulse reactivity and increase your ability to appropriately respond.

 Soon, you will begin to notice your body talking to you before it yells. It is bad enough when you don’t hear your body saying it is tense, but even worse is when you ignore the yelling. When you ignore your body screaming at you, there is a good chance you will be the one yelling soon.

 Anger management is a personal process. Each person needs to be honest with himself/herself about his/her family of origin issues, self-talk, triggers that increase angry feelings, and taking care of himself/herself emotionally and physically. Managing your anger will result in an increase of well-being, energy level, ability to communicate assertively, and ability to resolve issues effectively. Being in control of your anger and staying cool will improve your self-esteem and help you keep your power.

 Relapse Defense

Relapse means you have forgotten to use things you have learned. Many times, your productive anger expression is sabotaged by the target of your anger, who responds either by ignoring your message or by getting angry and defensive. This may cause you to be frustrated and angry, too. A good way to protect yourself from someone else pushing your buttons to the point you lose control is to learn how to overcome this kind of communication pattern.

 Some of the ways others will try to push your buttons include:

*Laughing it off or responding to your anger with a joke

*Denial of your statements by telling you, “That is not true. That is your opinion”

*Personal attack to your statement or question

*Using guilt to manage you

*Using tears or other manipulative methods

*Putting off the discussion by stating, “You are angry right now, so let’s discuss this later”

*Short answers that get you nowhere and resolve nothing

*Debate team tactics with statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or,

“I don’t think this is fair”

*Personal attack on you as a response

*Threats of divorce or leaving

 Knowing these potential methods of response give you the chance to stick to the issue at hand and stay calm. Now you can have a strong defense against defensiveness.

 ©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.

Congratulations, you are finished with the seventh lesson on how to express your anger in a healthy manner. When you complete the four sections of questions for LESSON SEVEN QUIZ you will be automatically given Lesson EIGHT.

LESSON SEVEN QUIZ
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