Family of Origin Issues. Or What is in Your Basket?

 Introduction to Anger Management for Healthy Expression-Lesson EIGHT

 Written by Anger Specialist
 Yvonne Sinclair M.A.

 Family of Origin Issues: What is in Your Basket?

 Review Lesson Seven: Anger is thought to be the number one cause of divorce. Doing something to calm your angry feelings before they build to an explosion is a healthy way to manage your anger. High expectations can be an aspect that leads to displaced anger. Physical activity will help to lower stress and reduce the feelings of anger. Some physical conditions increase your fatigue, increase your stress, and lead to less anger control. Learning to listen to your body assists you in controlling your anger. Physical activity helps to calm angry feelings.

 This lesson explores your family of origin and the “stuff” you learned when you lived with that family. You will look at the way your family taught us patterns of being with someone. You will explore how the dynamics of the family in which you grew up affects your current relationships as an adult.

I know I can just hear you say, “Excuse me! I am nothing like my family!” Mostly, that may be true. However, living with your family taught you behaviors and ways of expressing or not expressing in a way that may not have been so obvious. You learned anger expression and anger management while you were growing up.

You may have said, “I am not going to be that way or do that.” Unless you give yourself an alternative behavior, you will revert to what you know and what is familiar when you are stressed or at your wit’s end.

 Your “Stuff”

I would like to start this lesson with an exercise. Think of each person in your life, well, actually in the whole world. Each person has his or her very own basket in front of him or her. Each basket contains this person’s “stuff’ or personal issues. Couples have a relationship basket and/or family basket, also. So, here is how it works:

Mom calls and says, “You never call me. You don’t love me. I am the only

Mother you have…yada yada yada.” This means she is feeling alone, selfish, and/or angry, but you are not sure. However, this is stuff in her basket. She is throwing her stuff in your basket. If you are quick, your lid goes slam! and it bounces back into her basket -- where it belongs! Reflective listening puts it back into the other person’s basket. If you begin defending, “But Mom, I called you yesterday,” etc, then you are leaving it in your basket, and it does not belong there.

You are not in charge of taking care of others’ feelings and/or their “stuff.”

This works for couples, too. Your job is to take care of your issues. You may choose to take care of another’s stuff or another person at times, but this is still not your job, nor is it in your basket.

Maybe your partner is a neat freak, and you really are more comfortable with the “lived-in” look. Relationship baskets can become more complicated. You love your partner, you love being with your partner, and it is really nice when he/she is happy, so maybe you give the neat thing a try.

However, it is really in your partner’s basket. You can add it to yours if you wish, and it is definitely in the couple’s basket.

Your basket contains your issues, things you care about, patterns of behaviors, personality preferences, learned behaviors, family of origin patterns, that sort of thing. If you have co-dependent tendencies, then you may put others’ issues in your basket. If you are co-dependent, then your “good feelings” come from taking care of others. If you feel good about taking care of them until the time comes when you have no more to give. Then, you feel alone and uncared for. That is how a co-dependent pattern works. You routinely take care of others instead of taking care of your needs. That is the co-dependent tendency, and it is not a healthy dynamic for you or others.

 Your Family of Origin

You learn to be together in your family of origin, or the family where you grew up. The way anger was expressed, the way pain was shown, and the way stress was managed was all taught (without actually talking about them) in your family of origin.  You also learned communication patterns, respect or disrespect of others and their rights, and honoring or not honoring personal boundaries. These could have been modeled behaviors or unspoken expectations.

You learned about anger and communication invitro, before you were born.

You were aware of the outer world while you were being formed inside of your mother. What happened to your mother while you were still in her uterus could have had a profound effect on us. For instance, if a mother encountered a life-threatening event while she was pregnant, then her child may have developed Reactive Attachment Disorder after birth. There is a theory that if the Mother has a life-threatening event during pregnancy, the child may be predisposed to homosexuality.

So, you became who you are in a very complicated environment. Parentsgenetics, family patterns, school influence, and peers influenced the world at large and your personality and emotional resources.  They made us the “who” that you are today.

Your basket contains all of this. The contents in your basket are not permanent. By that, I mean you can change the “stuff” in your basket. You are in charge of taking care of the issues in your basket. If you had abuse in your family of origin or your growing up world, you can change how you are functioning with the help of counseling and information. You can change your view of parenting with classes and reading about good parenting techniques.

 Your Little Inner Voice

In this lesson, I am going to assume your family of origin was not “functional.” I will assume there was some abuse. So, if that was not the case, please absorb what you need or want and move to the next section. You may also read this with a friend in mind.

Please do not take the statements in this section as criticism of you. I will give you alternatives to these behaviors. Remember, you can choose to change the dynamics you learned.

At the end of this lesson, there will be a list of abuse -- emotional, physical, and sexual. Sometimes, when you grow up with abuse, you think it is “normal” or usual. You feel all families behave like this. So, it is important to know what constitutes abuse. If you educate yourself about abusive behaviors, then you can eliminate that behavior and treatment in your relationship and current family.

Abusive families often have a need to look “good.” As a result, the children will be taught things like, “What happens in the family, stays in the family.” There are numerous books regarding dysfunctional family patterns. Find one that fits for your family patterns and get information on what is dysfunctional and what is healthy. The book I like to recommend is Maggie Scarf’s Unfinished Business. This book addresses your pattern of bringing your unfinished business from your family of origin into your relationships. She explores how you will pick a partner to continue working on unresolved issues from your family. Remember, you don’t do this consciously. You don’t look around the single world and say to yourself, “He/she would be abusive, emotionally unavailable, and/or dysfunctional.” You are, however, more comfortable with a partner who has the same dynamics as you. You may instinctively pick a partner who has similar behaviors and functions.

Here is the picture: the dynamics of your family of origin (functional or not), is where you are comfortable. The way your family was together is comfortable for you because it is familiar. You may not like it, but it is familiar and therefore more comfortable than the unknown and perhaps scary world out there. Perhaps you grow up telling yourself, “I will not treat my kids this way,” but you do not give yourself an alternative behavior. When the stress is high, you will revert back to what you know and what is familiar. The key here is to learn other parenting behaviors that are healthy.  You should plug them into the spots you want to “not do” from your childhood.

You subconsciously choose someone with the same family dynamics. Of course you don’t go out looking for someone to beat you or someone you will beat. You don’t go out consciously looking for a person from molest family dynamics to complete the pattern. You don’t look for someone, consciously, that does not respect personal boundaries. Your subconscious helps you with this. This is where changing your dynamic and healing from abuse before you choose a relationship is the best. If that has not happened, now is a good time. If you are currently with someone who has the old dynamics, don’t despair; he/she can also choose to change and be healthy.

 One word about family equilibrium:

Every family balances itself. It is called a family equilibrium. This is done by each person in the family taking his/her “role” and fulfilling his/her part to keep the family in balance. If the parents are alcoholics, then it may the oldest child’s “part” to be the parent. The members take a piece of the family “personality” pie. One child may be the hero, doing well in school and making a successful life. This child may want to be an artist and live day to day, but to keep the family balanced, he/she does his/her job. Children are sometimes designated the role of the “black sheep” who acts out for the family. One member may be a “lost child,” keeping the anger or hurt for the family. This is a problem because the roles are harmful to the members. The children are not able to be themselves and fulfill what they want for their life.

One day, a child (now an adult usually) will decide to change what he/she

Is doing and who he/she “is” for the family. He/she becomes himself/herself and stops playing his/her role. The family is now out of balance, and the other members are stressed because someone is not doing his/her “job” for the family. The other members may escalate their behaviors to force the changing family member to go back to old behaviors.

If one member changes, then the family is out of balance, and the members left must change as well. If you are the member changing, know the others will not want you to progress. They may not be ready to change, and your new commitment to be true to yourself is very uncomfortable for them. If you change, then they have to be confronted with change and the reality that you were holding up a place in the family that was designated to you. Maybe they don’t like their “job” and are not faced with the fact they could change. You are changing. They may panic about the need to change, and if the time is not right for them, then they will try to get you to go back to the old ways and keep the equilibrium.

Stay strong, get validation with a professional, and listen to your little voice.

Your little inner voice tells you how you are feeling about the world around you. Your little voice and your emotions will help you know what is good for you and what is not. Listen to your little voice and educate your little voice to know what is best for you and what is functional. Pay attention and practice noticing your emotions. They are your barometer to what is going on in your world.

 Relationship Baskets

By now, you are getting the picture about how complicated the relationship basket will be. Your issues and your partner’s issues are in the relationship basket as a foundation for your relationship. Both of you will need to talk about what is junk and what is treasure. Throw out the junk and keep the treasure. This is your relationship and your life. You do not have to do anything like your parents. You can choose the behaviors you want to continue or you can do everything like your parents.  It is your choice. Remember the response for Mom, Dad, or Aunt June when they tell you your life is not up to their approval. The response, “I know you think that!” puts their issues smack back into their basket.

Here are some more back in your basket statements for others attempting to put their stuff in your basket. These statements may be needed for your relationship basket, also. These are great for keeping your personal “stuff” in your personal basket.

* “I know that is what you believe.”

* “That is right for you.”

* “Thank you for caring/sharing.”

* “Thank you for your opinion.”

* “I understand you feel that way.”

If it feels like a statement has hit you in the heart, then you have allowed it into your basket. Think of an imaginary lid (for your imaginary basket). This lid could snap onto your basket in an instant and keep things out of your basket that do not belong there. You will get better about allowing only your stuff in your basket as time goes on.

So, use the communication tool in a previous lesson to talk about what you both want in your relationship basket. Whether it is a spouse, co-worker, family, or friend, talk about the individual issues that you will be willing to or need to work on together.

 Abuse List
(including, but not limited to the following):

Physical abuse is anything done to your body without your permission - no exceptions. This is any touch or invasion of your physical body without your permission, from a slap on the face to a pat on the back.

*Kicking

*Hair pulling

*Throwing things at you

*Pinching

*Tickling when you have asked them to stop

*Making you eat anything rotten or usually deemed inedible

*Tying you up without your permission

*Leaving you stranded without resources to return home

*Hitting

*Punching

*Slapping

*Shoving

*Spanking that causes marks

*Scratching

*Biting

*Not allowing you to urinate or defecate

*Holding your head under water

*Not allowing you to leave a space or locking you in a small space

*Using denial of food as punishment

*Using hot or cold water to cause pain in any way

*Hurting or killing your pets

*Medicating you when you are not ill

*Using drugs to control your behavior

*Making you stand for unreasonable periods of time

 Sexual abuse is any non-consensual sexual touch. Sexual abuse is a disrespect of your boundaries, and it can be physical or emotional. Sexual abuse can scan the range from rape to sexual comments that are inappropriate.

This list is for an adult (the child list will follow).

Adult sexual abuse includes the following:

*Sex with you when you have said no either verbally or physically

*Nudity when you have expressed not wanting it

*Any touching of sexual parts without your permission

*Explicate talking about sex without your permission

*Putting pressure on or making you to perform a sex act that you do not want to perform.

*Kissing, touching, or holding you in a sexual way against your will or without your permission.

*Intercourse without your permission, even without force

*Touching, licking, biting, or fondling your sexual parts without your permission.

*Making you engage in forced mutual masturbation

*Forcing you to be nude with others

*Telling you about their explicit sexual behaviors when you do not want to be told

*Showing you pornographic pictures or movies when you do not want to see them

*Lying nude or being provocative without you wanting this behavior

*Sexual activities without your permission

 Child sexual abuse:

*Kissing, touching, or holding you in a sexual way

*Intercourse

*Touching, licking, biting, for fondling your sexual parts

*Making you engage in forced mutual masturbation

*Forcing you to be nude with others

*Telling you about their explicit, sexual thoughts

*Showing you pornographic pictures or movies

*Lying nude or being provocative

*Flirting with you or being sexually provocative

*Giving you enemas or douches for no medical reason

*Forcing you to watch or participate in adult bathing, toilet activities, nudity, or sexual activities

*Making you share a bed with your parents when other beds are available

*Making you touch adult sexual parts

*Watching you shower nude or watching you dressing in a way that feels uncomfortable and is not just “parenting”

 Emotional abuse is the violation of your emotional boundaries, such as destructive sarcasm or criticism, the silent treatment, neglect, violent language, belittling, and name-calling. When you are denied your reality or are discounted, then you are experiencing emotional abuse.  Other types of emotional abuse include:

*Name-calling

*Not communicating for long periods of time

*Labeling-you are stupid, mental, nuts, etc.

*Threatening gestures may be emotionally abusive

*Punishing you unfairly

*Making you the object of jokes

*Belittling you

*Rejecting you

*Putting you down and keeping your self-esteem from growing positively

*Making you feel hopeless, helpless and/or worthless

*Comparing you to others routinely

*Preventing you from attending school

*Isolating you from others

*Routinely preferring one or more of your siblings

*Making you steal or commit any other crime

*Making you perform degrading tasks

*Punishing you in public

*Raising you as the opposite sex

*Making you eat food from the floor

 Verbal abuse is using a loud voice, such as yelling, name-calling, threatening words, belittling, and screaming obscenities at you.

Neglect includes:

*Failing to provide physical nurturing such as holding, talking to you, comforting you when you are feeling hurt

*Failing to provide proper nutrition or an adequate amount of food

*Failing to provide you with proper clothes for the weather

*Failing to wash your clothes or bedding

*Ignoring you or not responding to you when you speak

*Leaving you alone for days or weeks without care

*Failing to provide a home that is clean, safe, and in all ways habitable

*Keeping you in your room or your home for hours, days, or weeks

*Failing to provide medical, dental, or mental health care as needed

*Leaving you with an irresponsible caregiver

 Congratulations!  You may be the one to stop generations of dysfunction.

What a hero you are! Being a hero will not be easy. It may be hard work and discouraging at times. You now have the tools to keep building functional patterns and behaviors. It is worth it. The next generation will thank you. Maybe they will not thank you with words, but the healthy relationships they will establish will be a real thank you to you and society.

  ©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved.  

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