Domestic Violence/Batterer's Online Class -42
Revitalization Your Relationship
Creating Your Soulmate with Your Current Partner
By Yvonne Sinclair M.A. LMFT
Welcome to our final exercise to create your soul mate with your current partner. The exercises in this step to creating your soul mate are intended to encourage each partner to increase his or her ability to find, give, and enjoy pleasure. People today often have scurvy of the soul. If our soul is not nurtured and fulfilled, then we are not complete. We are not being true to ourselves, and we are missing out on true happiness. We may have had a tendency to do what society or culture tells us will bring us happiness or joy. We often pay no attention to our own ability to enjoy pleasure and don’t take the time to learn how to give pleasure. We may not even know what pleasure includes. If we ignore pleasure, then we are not fully developed emotionally.
Pleasure is a wonderful ingredient in a healthy relationship. Today we sometimes get the message “men give pleasure and women receive pleasure.” I am here to suggest both genders are equipped to love pleasuring -- giving and receiving. Some men don’t give themselves permission to receive pleasure. When they do receive pleasure, their relationship with their partner deepens and becomes more intimate and solid. Pleasure makes us whole. Pleasure awakens our very inner self and soul. The God and Goddess inside of us awakens when pleasure is introduced into the life.
Relationship Enhancement Exercises:
(Review the first two emotional intimacy building exercises to create a soul mate connection with your current partner. The instructions were given in Class Forty-one and Thirty-six.
1. Talking and sharing from the heart (even working through issues together) can increase our emotional intimacy.
2. Breathe together. Take time to be together. Notice each other’s breath. Close out the hectic/everyday world and just be with each other.
3. Heart salute - Share what you love, appreciate, or admire about your partner.
And the one we will add in now…
4. Four hour pleasure homework - The best one! I would like to introduce more Tantra exercises in this exercise. Tantra is the art of conscious loving. The aspects of Tantra that I like the most are the emphasis on communication, slowing down and enjoying, and pleasure being the goal rather than orgasm.
Pleasure, Not Orgasm - Four-Hour Homework
Absolutely no issues are to be worked out in this homework. Keep them for another time.
I do not want to imply that having an orgasm is bad. It just may be better to enjoy the natural high for a long time (an hour or so). After an orgasm happens, we are usually done. We are no longer connected to our partner emotionally. We roll over and sleep or leave the moment emotionally. If we allow pleasuring, then we can ride the wave of joy for a longer time. This wave, in Tantra, is called “Sky Dancing.” The amount of time we can stay on the wave will increase with practice and learning to slow down.
There are some facts about sex that you may not know. Men can have an orgasm without ejaculation. This is taught through Tantra. Women can have multiple orgasms. Women also have the ability to ejaculate. The book Tantra for Men
explains some of these facts about orgasms and sex. It would be good to read this before the final exercise. Reading about sex facts will give you a good basis for this final exercise.
Take your time creating the final Four Hour Homework. Set up your space and get everything in order before you schedule the four hours. There should be no children, no phone, and no interruptions.
There is also a shopping list. One partner is in charge of ambiance, and one partner is in charge of food. Communicate your wishes to your partner and enjoy the creation of your four hour pleasuring experience.
Shopping for Pleasure Homework
Massage oil or lotion
Candles or incense
Music to love by
Massage table (if possible)
Something wonderful to drink (preferably not alcohol)
Food to feed each other - get creative not expensive
Feather to use in the pleasure process
Silk – again, for pleasuring
Optional: DVDs for teaching pleasuring and massage. These would be good to obtain and watch before your four-hour homework. They can be purchased online. A good DVD to watch is Tantra Massage
narrated by Dr. Ava Cadell. This Tantra massage DVD is great. It starts with a regular massage demonstration, and the second part demonstrates Tantra massage. Tantra massage includes long, slow, gentle strokes and pleasuring of the genitals. This DVD is tastefully done with complete nudity. If you are uncomfortable with nudity, then this DVD is not for you. Another DVD to teach the Tantra exercises is The Art of Orgasm-the multi-orgasmic couple
(for men and women) by Margot Arand. This is called the MORE, Multiple Orgasmic Response Experience. These DVDs teach how to enjoy each other without orgasm. They teach you how to spend hours in ecstasy without orgasm or even an erection.
Always take your time through this exercise. There is only one big rule: no intercourse. Yikes you say! You can do it! Just enjoy the touching. Allow the pleasure to seep into your every cell. Communicate about what you are loving, what you want more, or what you want done less or lighter. Once you have scheduled the four-hours at home alone, with no phone, no kids, no TV, and no disturbance of any kind, then you are ready. One partner will be in charge of ambiance, and one will be in charge of food. When you experience the next four hours of joy and ecstasy, you can switch roles.
This first part of the four-hour homework exercise will be a bubble bath. You will incorporate all five senses into the bath. If a tub is not available, get creative with your shower. Stick to the list below as much as you can. Maybe you can even muster up warm towels. Perhaps you can get them right out of the dryer. Is the tub too small? Get real - just be cozy.
- incense, fragrant candles, or fragrant bubble bath
candles, even each other appearing content
- bubbles and warm water
soft and romantic music
- glass of something wonderful to drink or finger foods like fruit.
During the Bubble Bath - Relax and enjoy touching and just being together. For instance, you could talk about when you first met. Discuss what you remember about that first look or meeting and what attracted you to each other. Can you remember what you were wearing or a song that was playing? Keep this positive and nurturing. Take your time.
is the second phase of your four-hour homework. It would be wonderful if you had watched a massage video before the day of your pleasuring (especially if you do not have massage experience). If you are a lover of massage, you can just pleasure your partner with the moves you enjoy.
Massage tables are the best, and then one partner is not getting all kinked up rolling around on the floor or crawling over the partner on the bed. See if you can borrow one if you do not own one.
A massage oil with fragrance is wonderful. If you prefer lotion, then use that. Make sure you both like the fragrance. Talk about your preferences. Perhaps one of you will want oil and one will want lotion. If you have a small incense warmer, the oil can be heated for a wonderful sensual touch. A light oil of any kind will work.
You should do the massage in a warm environment with soft lights and soft music. You may want to create sacred space for this exercise.
Remember: always take your time through this exercise. Always remember the one big no-no rule: NO intercourse. And again, you can do this. Just enjoy the touch. Sink into the pleasure of pleasuring. Step out of your comfort zone and stretch your experience. Remember to continue to communicate about what you are loving and what you want more or less of.
Third phase is food. The food and massage part can be switched depending on your hunger. Food should be something you can eat with your fingers. You should prepare something easy to feed each other. Fruit cut to bite size, PB&J sandwiches in small squares, dips, vegetables cut small, etc. Get creative and inexpensive here. Take your time and just enjoy the fun of eating together, the pleasure of feeding each other, and the joy of being together.
Nice Game to include: this game will require pudding. The rule is you cannot feed yourself, and you cannot clean up your body if the pudding should accidentally spill somewhere.
When your homework is complete, then intercourse is admissible. Like you needed my permission…
Let’s Talk About Sex
Sex is a complicated subject. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Sex is a way to be intimate and share ourselves with our partner. It is a way to say we are one or that you love being with him/her. However, sex can be extremely complicated. Partners are sometimes not on the same energy level or libido level. One partner may need to work out any pending issues before he/she can feel amorous. The other partner may even want to heal the rift with sex.
Communicate your needs and wishes. Explore ways to get both partners what they need.
Remember, “no” means “no” even when the word is not spoken out loud. Notice body language. If you are not sure what messages you are receiving, then ASK. It is not about us if it is not in our basket. Each partner has the right to assert him/herself when he/she wants to be sexual and when he/she does not. Each partner has the right to say, “This is not a good time for me,” and be heard. Each partner can be true to him/herself, and it may not be about you. Engaging in sex when you do not want sex is not healthy and not nurturing for your relationship. Sometimes partners just want holding and closeness -- not sex.
Sometimes couples have a problem with an erection. Notice I said “couples”” because an erection is the couple’s problem, not just the male’s problem. Each person has his/her own issues. This particular issue is in the couple’s basket (Everyone has his/her own basket containing his/her issues). An erection is complicated. An erection is dependent on physical, emotional, and situational well-being. Women usually have it easy. They just have to show up.
I would like to introduce that, wonderful, juicy, fabulous sex does not require an erection. That is right. Both partners have other body parts. Our bodies have numerous erogenous zones. Learn them and pleasure them. Men can learn to find the G-spot and pleasure his partner. Women can pleasure their men and love the feeling of giving him joy and hearing him moan at her touch. She doesn’t have to get him off or even to create an erection, but just to pleasure him. Men can enjoy their penis stroked and reach an orgasm without an erection. So enjoy each other. Enjoy the touch and let it last. Make it a pleasure session, not just getting-it-off session. Give your relationship a jolt of joy.
Communicate, care, and be intimate. Spend time creating your relationship; it doesn’t grow all alone. Spend time creating your soul mate. Enjoy, pleasure, and be joyful! Congratulations on spending time and energy creating a new and wonderful life for yourself and your relationship.
I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to your soul mate.
©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved. All material is owned and protected. Reproduction without the express written consent of the author is forbidden.