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Relationship Revitalization/Deeper emotional intimacy and communication

*Each lesson will come with a PDF download for you. You will also receive the URL for this lesson. It is essential you keep the URL for your lesson as that is the only way you will be able to access the lesson. You can continue online, you can print out the lesson, or you can return later using the URL.

PDF of Lesson Forty-one

URL for Lesson Forty-one, http://www.program4angermanagement.com/dv41

Relationship Revitalization for Domestic Violence Class

By Yvonne Sinclair M.A.
 
Isn’t it wonderful?  Isn’t it marvelous to feel another person loves you just the way you are? Another person cares about your needs and wishes. Another person wants to spend time with you. Another person feels a loss when you are not present. That is the soul mate connection.

 I believe we can create a soul mate type connection with our partner. Oh, it is nice when you find that soul mate without working on it. There is a catch to finding your soul mate. Once you find each other, the work begins. Yes, I said work. Your soul mate connection is a start, not a complete package. The relationship still needs care, feeding, and attention. So, if your soul mate has not magically bumped into you on a crowed street, here is the good news: you can create that connection with your existing partner. Yes, it takes work –the same sort of work you would need to put into your magic soul mate relationship. So, here is the next step to evolving into bliss.

 One day you may wake up and discover your romantic intimate relationship has disappeared. Life has happened, and the relationship has taken a back seat. Romance has faded away. Of course this is not a permanent situation. You have the opportunity to communicate with your partner and spice things up again. Remember, romance is not something you do every couple of weeks or months because you have to. Romance can be a way you show your partner your love. It needs to permeate everything you do.

 It is not as effort intensive as it sounds. Once you get in the mode, romance will come easily for you both. Sometimes being romantic and loving just takes a little token of acknowledgement to your partner. Sometimes it's a little bit more.  
 If you take the time to notice what is happening around you and what your partner is feeling, you can then show your partner you notice. Being cared about deep enough for someone to notice what you are experiencing and saying makes a loving, commutative relationship.

 At the end of this step two, I will give you a “talking together” exercise.  To prepare for that, it would be nice to have a talk about romance and what each of you would like. Make an appointment if need be and spend some time being “romantic.” Turn off the “busy,” meaning make a time with no distractions. Sometimes romance can be found by simply turning off the phone, TV, computer, and kids (they turn off when asleep).  This newly-found time can be spent doing things together. These activites may include taking a walk, playing a game, cooking together, watching a movie, or just cuddling.

 Use your imagination. Romance does not have to involve money. Discover you love language and the love language of your partner. The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman has a great guideline to discover how you feel loved. For instance, if you feel loved when you have quality time with your partner, and your partner feels loved when he/she receives acts of service, and you give each other what you want to feel loved, neither of you will feel loved. If your partner spends time with you, and you bring him/her coffee in bed, then you will both feel loved. It may seem a little tricky, but first you must discover what you need to feel loved.

 Step two to your soul mate connection will be an exercise called “talking together.” I am introducing a little Tantra into this activity. Creating a “safe space” is suggested. To do this, you must decide where you will sit and talk. Chairs and couches are not involved, so on the bed or on the floor. You will be sitting in the Yabyum position. Google it as an image, and you will get the idea. You are sitting face to face straddling each other with your feet behind your partner. You are then heart to heart. Here are instructions for sacred safe space talking. Before you begin, you may want to start with the heart salute offered in the first Soul Mate Instructions. If you missed that, here it is again:

 HEART SALUTE

In this exercise, you will sit as you were for the communication exercise. Yabyum is good here, too. Create a quiet space, perhaps your sacred safe space if you have time. Sit face to face. In this space, put your right hands on each other’s heart. Look deep into each other’s eyes. Spend a few minutes just being together. Coordinating your breathing will increase the intimacy of this exercise. Now spend about five minutes each saying the following:

-What I love about you ___________
-What I appreciate about you  ___________
-What I admire about you  _____________
-Any other comment you would like to add.

 The partner doing the listening simply listens. The listening partner checks in with him/herself.  Notice what you are feeling. Are you able to let these messages into your heart?  When partner one is finished, partner two responds with “Thank you,” or something else appropriate.   Again, no fixing or response to statements is allowed.  Only acknowledge you “heard” your partner. Partner two now has a turn.
-What I love about you ___________
-What I appreciate about you  ___________
-What I admire about you  _____________
-Any other comment you would like to add.

 Partner one responds with an “I hear you” statement. Take your time. Add whatever you would like. This is your appreciation admiration time. End with a hug and take your time. This exercise should be done each day. It may be nice to do before bedtime or to get you started in the morning. What a wonderful way to start the day by being appreciated and admired.

 Take some time to be together. Just breathe together and relax. You can try this Tantra exercise. The Shakti (female) is in charge of pace and breathes loud enough for her Shiva to hear. The Shiva is in charge of safe space and coordinates his breathing with his Shakti. It’s such fun to try on a new persona.

 SACRED SAFE SPACE TALKING

 This exercise will introduce the Tantra procedure of creating safe sacred space. Both partners will decide on a space in your home that will be private and uninterrupted for about an hour. Use scarves, or something like scarves, and make a border or boundary around the area. It can be on the living room floor with pillows to sit on, in the bedroom, or on a bed. You will be sitting facing each other.

 The boundary should be established, and the ambiance should be soft and quiet. Soft lights and soft music would add a nice touch. I would like to suggest candles and/or incense that smell pleasant to both of you. Both partners will then remove the attributes he/she does not want in the sacred and safe communication space. This space will be a space to enjoy compassion and caring with each other.

 Removal suggestions:
Negativity, judgment, aggression, pessimism, criticism, etc. Remove all the negative attitudes you do not want in your sacred space.

 ADD in suggestions:
Acceptance, loving, caring, compassion, gentleness, optimism, love, etc.

 This is now your relationship/couples sacred safe space. Sit facing each other with knees together, or with one partner having his/her legs over the others legs. “Yabyum” position is great here. The male (usually) in on the lower part and sits with his legs out or with knees slightly bent. The female straddles his legs by putting her feet behind him. This gives you connection with your heart, and you can also hold each other close.

 Take a few deep breaths together and spend a few moments in quiet just being together. Now follow the list of subjects below for your discussion. Each partner will take a turn. Decide who will be first and who will be second. Each partner will take about five minutes talking about each subject. Take more time if needed. No issues are to be worked though here – just heart shares.

 While one partner is sharing, the listening partner just listens. There is no need to fix, explain, or defend – only listen. When the speaker is through, the listener will express appreciation for his/her partner for being willing to share intimate subjects and for being vulnerable. The listener can say something like, “Thank you for sharing,” or “I am honored to know that.” Make it your words. That is it!  No other comments are needed, only acknowledgment that you heard your partner.

 This is emotional intimacy. This sharing is from your heart. This is hard to do if you are feeling untrusting or unworthy. So, take a deep breath and give it a try. You can add subjects if you would like. This is not a time to work out our issues. This is a time for sharing intimately and acknowledging you have heard.

Talking together subjects:
1. What is your greatest wish for this relationship?
2. Name one thing you are willing to do to make your wish happen.
3. Tell your partner how you would like him/her to help you make your wish come true.
4. What is something you are afraid to talk about? Just mention the subject if you are still not willing to actually “talk” about it. 
5. Make an appointment to revisit the subject in 4.
6. Tell your partner how you like to be touched.
7.  Share a fantasy.
8. Share your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
9. Add anything else you would like to share.

 When you both decide you are done, spend a few moments just being with each other again. Acknowledge to each other how difficult or easy this exercise was for you.

 This can be a beginning “talking together.” You can schedule one each week or month and make your own list of subjects. Yes, I did say “schedule” because I have found couples get so busy with life they forget to add the romance or time with each other. Sometimes you have to actually carve out time and selfishly save it for yourselves. In the long run, when your relationship is wonderful, it has an effect on everyone in your life.

 Talk together, walk together, cook together, rest together, and breathe together. Your soul mate connection has evolved another step.

©Copyright 2010 by Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC. All Rights Reserved. All material is owned and protected. Reproduction without the express written consent of the author is forbidden.
 
Congratulations, you are finished with lesson forty-one in Domestic Violence. When you complete the four sections of questions for LESSON FORTY-ONE  QUIZ you will be automatically given Lesson FORTY-TWO.
LESSON FORTY-ONE QUIZ
 
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