Online Co-parenting Class-Chapter Three-Anger “Management” for Nurturing Parenting and Healthy Expression

by Yvonne Sinclair M.A.

 The way you express your anger has multiple levels of effect on your child. Your child models his/her behavior after yours. The way you express your anger can keep communication open or close down that avenue. As a co-parent it is imperative you manage your anger in a healthy appropriate manner. This chapter will assist you in that effort. If you are already an appropriate mad person, use this chapter to find any additional tools that will help.

 “Management” to some people may mean keeping their anger inside, holding anger in or “stuffing” it. This form of  “management” is like blowing a little air into a balloon each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, irritated, or annoyed. Each time you “stuff” your anger you fill the balloon with a little more air. Finally, the balloon will burst just as you may explode with anger or rage. Suddenly you may be expressing anger in a way that hurts others and gets you into trouble. The anger comes out somewhere even when we think we are “controlling” it. It may express itself with physical sickness or emotional pain.

 Is anger bad? Anger feels bad! Anger can raise your stress and affect your health, especially when you “manage” your anger by keeping it to yourself. When you “stuff” your angry feelings you are not managing them, this form of anger “management” can jeopardize your health and well-being.

 The way you express your anger is learned in your family of origin where you grew up. Do you stuff, or explode, or slam doors, or use your words….these methods are learned from the people who were in charge of modeling anger expression for you when you were growing up. Now, as an adult, you are modeling anger expression for another generation. You are showing the children how to express anger. You can change their anger management by changing your own way of expressing anger.

Some times do you avoid expressing your anger out of need to take care of others? Do you “stuff” your anger or avoid open, honest communication because you feel it will upset the other person? In a later chapter you will learn this behavior is called co-dependent behavior and is not healthy for yourself or others in your relationship. Anger finds a way to come out no matter. It may express itself in a physical illness. It may come out all at once in a rage or angry explosion. Some way anger will find a way to express itself. It can be healthy or unhealthy, you are the one to choose.

 Learning to express anger in a way that will be positive for your relationship with your child, new partner, with your ex-partner, and others around you. Learning to make healthy choices about anger expression will not only be good for you, but will also protect the people around you. If you stuff anger, others may sense something is wrong and this may set you up to be avoided or misunderstood. The other people around you only have their imagination to decide why you are upset. This applies expecially to the children. The truth is usually a lot less frightening than what they can imagine.

 Sometimes anger expression is avoided for other reasons, like fear of losing control, fear of hurting or offending another person, fear you will be disliked or rejected, fear your partner will no longer like you. Perhaps fear it will be used against you in court.

ANGER FACTS

*Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger is a “normal” emotion.

*Anger feelings are normal. Everyone feels angry at one time or another

*Anger can be controlled. It is easier to control early. You can learn ways to control your anger.

*Ignoring your anger is like blowing air into a balloon. The angry feeling build and build until it explodes.

*Even after you are angry you can control your anger. You can learn to calm down and learn to avoid anger triggers for you.

 Anger is a bad feeling emotion. The fact is anger is just an emotion. Anger is not bad or good. Anger just is….emotions are always there. Emotions are like weather they are always present. Sometimes emotions are calm and we don’t notice they are a part of US. Sometimes emotions are like a hurricane and impossible to ignore. Emotions are also our barometer to what is going on around us. Happy….”hey something is going on you like.” Mad….”hey something is going on you do not like.”  So if we listen to our emotions we can discover what is going on in our world and what affect the event is having on us.

 You can use your anger energy for a positive response. You can notice our anger early and express in a healthy way. This anger “management” allows your body to be clear and then anger does not have a negative effect on your health. If in your family of origin angry meant violence followed. Your partner’s anger belongs to your partner. Remember you are not in charge of making it okay. You do not have to “fix” it. It is not in your basket of issues. You can CARE, you can be there for them, but it is not under your control. As a partner you will want to be there for them, hear them, allow them to express, and if the anger is about your relationship-communicate about resolution. This applies to the children also. Your job as a parent is not to make their life wonderful, it is to give them a safe place to express their emotions. When a child is angry, sad, upset, frustrated, or disappointed it is not your job to remedy that. Allow them their emotions. When you express your emotions in an appropriate healthy manner, including your saddnes, it gives them permission to feel theirs.

 Men are sometimes given the message, as they grow up, that the male person in a relationship is responsible for everything….responsible for making sure all works well. Men are sometimes given the message they are responsible for everything running smoothly - The kids, the car, the yard, the house, the finances, and the relationship, etc etc…this is an impossible job for one person. If you were given these messages, male or female, and feel you need to be the one to “fix” everything, your partners anger may be especially troubling for you.

 If you “gotta” fix it you will not want to hear about anything you cannot fix. This prevents you from being able to just be there for your partner if they are upset and just need to talk. I would like to suggest you change your personal message to a realistic message. One person cannot and should not be in charge of making everything right for anyone else. So, when you go to the “I gotta fix it” place, tell yourself “I dont't gotta fix anything.” This will help you be there for your partner when they are experiencing anger. Allow them to express without needing to “fix” the situation for them. Even if the anger is about your relationship you  do not “gotta” fix it…only be there to communicate about resolution.

 Webster defines anger as a noun and meaning a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling.

 Anger is not bad….it tells us something is happening that is not good for us. You can learn to use this energy to keep yourself safe or resolve what is not right with your world.  When you need to express anger around relationship issues use the communication skills in Co-parenting class-One to keep your discussion on track, calm, and focused.

I have included a quick anger management program for your convenience. Some of the statements may be a review of previous material.

 Anger management designed to help you keep your power and stay cool. “Anger management” to some people may mean keeping his/her anger inside by holding that anger in or “stuffing” it. This form of “management” is like blowing a little air into a balloon each time you are frustrated, angry, mad, irritated, or annoyed. Each time you “stuff” your anger, you fill the balloon with a little more air. Finally, the balloon will burst just as you may explode with anger or rage. Suddenly, you may be expressing anger in a way that hurts others and gets you into trouble. The anger comes out somewhere even when we think we are “controlling” it. It may express itself with physical sickness or emotional pain.